"We just started."
"Yes, but apparently there's something wrong with your DDD."
"DVD. There's nothing wrong with it."
"There must be. The quality is abysmal."
"It's very old, Sev. The movie was made in the 70's."
Harry sighed and snuggled closer. "Just try to appreciate it for its entertainment value. Don't worry that it isn't perfect. Can you do that?"
"I do the same with you every day, do I not?"
Harry plunged his hand between his lover's thighs. "I'll remind you that tonight's post-movie activities depend solely on your attitude during said movie."
"I'm giving you plenty of attitude."
"Oh, watch! This is the beginning, where the girl gets eaten!"
Severus wrinkled his nose in disgust. "I thought I told you, no straight porn! I don't care how curious you are."
"Not that kind…oh never mind. Just watch."
Harry burrowed closer as the soundtrack swelled and grew ominous.
"She's as stupid as Longbottom."
"Get out of the water, you daft bitch!"
Severus pointed at the screen. "Why are you yelling at me? Look! Does this whole movie feature bushy-haired brainless twits?"
"It's standard practice to begin a film in such a manner. It sets the scene. Draws the audience in."
"It's bloody and grotesque. But I'm glad she was eaten."
Harry sighed. "Can we just watch now?"
Severus harrumphed, but pulled Harry closer.
"Oh look, he spit some out for the sheriff to find. How incredibly unlikely."
"Sev, it was necessary for the plot."
"Why would you say that?"
Harry slapped his hand over his face. "So they would know what they're dealing with. Otherwise, they would probably assume she just drowned."
"Forgive me for saying so, but perhaps just showing the creature would do the cinematic trick."
"That's the whole point."
Severus narrowed his eyes. "Are you toying with me? That statement made no sense whatsoever."
"They don't show it right away. It's scarier that way."
Severus snorted. Harry pressed his point. "Fear, Severus. The fear of the unknown. It's universally terrifying."
"Not to me."
"Which is why you don't make movies. Pass the popcorn."
"Only Muggles what?"
"Would put their lives at risk in such a way for so little reward. Dullards."
"They're trying to catch it."
Severus rolled his eyes. "Always at hand with the obvious, Potter. Make me feel better, tell me they get eaten."
"Umm, I don't want to spoil it for you."
"Fine. Fine. No, they don't get eaten."
Severus sat back and scowled. "How incredibly disappointing. They certainly deserve it. Throwing that huge piece of meat around like that. What happens next?"
"I'm not telling you. And don't ask again. This isn't like one of your books where you can just skip ahead to the end and see who dies."
"I would never read something like this – so utterly devoid of intellectual value. What are you doing? Get out of my way! I can't see."
"I just wanted some popcorn."
"Stay in your seat. All of that moving around is distracting."
Severus waved his fist of popcorn at the screen. "This character confuses me. He's terrified of the water. And yet he continues to venture out on it."
"It's symbolic, Severus. He's afraid of death, but rises above his fear."
Severus snorted. "If you say so. Of course, you'd see symbolism in a tangle of bed sheets."
"He's a hero."
"You're a hero. He's an actor."
"I see the director has been liberal with the stupidity factor and not reserved it all for the naked drug addicted teenagers. What in the name of Merlin are they thinking? Take a bigger boat! Take a—" Severus slapped his forehead. "Idiots."
"They don't have a bigger boat, Sev."
"The harbor's full of them, Harry."
"Stun him! Stun him! Oh, you imbecile! You couldn't hit the side of a barn with that thing!"
"He did hit him. It just wasn't enough to kill him."
"Of course it wasn't! This is no ordinary monster. Oh. OH! That's right, you half-wit – shoot it with your gun. That will definitely work, since four harpoons failed to do the job. Un-believable!"
"Severus, calm down."
"Shut up. I think I hear him coming." Severus cocked his head and squinted at the screen. Seconds later, the music swelled and he sat back with a self-satisfied smile. "As I suspected."
"I smell a sequel."
Harry plucked the DVD out of the machine and turned to face his lover. "You smell a sequel."
"Sev, the thing's in a million bloody pieces. What would the sequel be? Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?"
Severus snorted. "And you said I had no talent for these inane plots," he mumbled. "Don't you see? The creature's family."
Harry blinked. "His family? It's a dumb animal, Sev. Brain the size of a walnut."
"Longbottom's brain is the size of a walnut. He has a family."
"I'm not watching the sequel. It was horrible."
"So there was a sequel!"
Harry turned red. "Maybe," he hedged.
Severus narrowed his eyes and began to stalk Harry across the room. As Harry retreated, Severus advanced, until finally, Harry hit the wall. Severus closed in until he was pressed tightly against his lover.
"I'm feeling decidedly…predatory," Severus purred.
Harry bit back a moan. "Really?"
"Oh, God," Harry panted as Severus attacked with his mouth, biting and gnawing on Harry's neck. "Bedroom?"
Severus grinned evilly. "No. I think…bathtub."
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